Over the Moon

Tomorrow I set sail, metaphorically speaking, for America (a country I haven't seen since October of last year). I'm sure I'll barely recognize this land I once called home, with all of the innovations and new malls that have been created in my absence. It's a scary thought to be sure. 

Well, luckily over the past week I haven't had much free time to muse about this voyage home. Extreme stomach pain tends to have a squelching effect on my free-range thoughts. It was the strangest thing. I didn't eat anything odd, nothing extremely culturally or special...actually, I can't remember what I ate Sunday night before it all started, but I'm sure it was nothing special. 

That fatefully Sunday night until Saturday afternoon...I was in agony. The pain in my abdomen was accompanied by other lovely side effects I don't deem necessary to paint in great detail, for the benefit of my audience of course. However, I will just casually mention that I was experiencing, what many of my Chinese friends would call, laduzi...many times a day...at all hours of the day and night. I was miserable. 

I don't particularly care for hospitals. In fact, I would be considered one of those Americans who like to "ride an illness out" at home with some medication (if absolutely necessary). What drove me to visit the mecca of sickness and backless gowns? Well, I had been sick for nearly a week, and the end did not look like it was in sight. Taking that fact and the knowledge that my series of airplane rides back to America would begin in less than 5 business days, I was not willing to risk the chance that my laduzi would be la-done by that time. And I was not taking this new friend of mine on a plane, let alone 3. 

Fortunately, I was blessed to have some friends who cared about me, one of them being a kind Chinese lady who spoke great English. So, that fateful Friday, my friend Britney and Jenny (the Chinese blessing) visited a couple places with me to see if I could be cured. The first clinic directed us to the hospital, which was fine by me since Jenny didn't think the doctor at that clinic was old enough to really help me. (Her words, not mine)

We left via taxi and made our way to the larger Chinese hospital, which for some reason is located at the peak of a large incline. Let's call it a hill. At this point I'm severely dehydrated, weak, pale(r than usual), and don't know if I'll actually make it into the building. Looking back, I think the hospital architect was a Darwinian enthusiast. Survival of the fittest...if you can't make it up to the hospital, go home to die. 

Somehow I trumped the Darwin principle and made my way inside the building to the front desk. For those of you who have never been inside a Chinese hospital, the first thing you do (if this is your first trip) is purchase a notebook for about 2 dollars. This notebook holds your medical records. Basically, you carry it around with you when you visit hospitals and doctors so that they know everything that's in your medical history. You also get a hospital debit card. This card allows you to load up money so that when they perform tests and services for you, they can merely scan your card and deduct from your account. Kind of strange, but I guess it works.

From this reception area, we were directed to walk outside, around the building towards the back to an outside building that specializes in abdominal care. I met with my doctor, who (praise the Lord) was female, and she began asking me various questions about my condition. The million dollar question being: "how many times a day do you make laduzi?"I was given some choices, like a game show contestant, and after a bit of thought gave my final answer to Jenny. Jenny translated it to my doctor who looked at me in momentary shock when she heard my final count. Well, that's always a good sign...

I had to give some samples, blood and other stuff, and then I received my first IV. 

I know, now I'm a real adult. The language barrier wasn't much of an issue expect for explaining to me why I was sick. I, to this day, don't know why I was so miserable all week. I was simply told that I was very sick, but the IV and medicines would help me. 

Then I was given a choice. The doctors wanted to give me the option of getting something that in English is affectionately referred to as the "butt shot." This was not mandatory, but the hospital staff recommended it so that I wouldn't have to come back later, AND (more importantly) it would help with the pain. Needless to say the second point was a real selling point. 

Fun fact, I have never had a butt shot before this point. Fun fact, I didn't know where the shot would be administered. Fun fact, I was not given specific instructions on how far to pull down my pants. Did I say this was a butt shot? Well, before I knew it I was in the "shot-giving room" with Britney holding up my IV bag and the nurse readying my dose. When she had the needle ready, my nurse pointed at my hip - which I assumed meant that she was indicating which side of my butt she was going to shoot. Now that I had some direction, I pulled down half of my pants for her. 

At this point a couple things happened. Britney was attempting to pull my pants up and hold my IV bag over my head, the nurse started laughing, I felt a sharp stinging in my hip, and I realized my error. This was no "butt shot." I was being given a hip shot, and the nurse was being given a show. 

I had effectively mooned my nurse. 

Well, that was days ago. On a more positive note, today I am feeling much better. I'm not entirely cured, but I'm on my way. Currently, I am on a toast diet. The actual eating restrictions included toast, rice porridge (NOT oatmeal, which according to my doctor Americans love to eat) and a collection of root-based veggies I've only ever heard of in China. However, since I don't like most of that other stuff, what I got out of these doctor's orders was "eat toast until you go back to America." 

Let's be clear, being sick is (almost) never fun. But, I'm happy to say that being a white chick sick in China was a fairly merciful experience. What do I mean by that? Well, I was surrounded by caring friends, a loving boyfriend, and had an overall painless hospital experience. While the pain was pretty brutal, it could have been a lot worse. And hey, I consider it close to a miracle that my nurse was such a good sport about seeing another side of me for the first and, hopefully, last time. 

Super Predictable

Who hasn’t, at one point or another in their lives, wanted to be a superhero? Yeah, if you answered no, you’re a liar, and you know where liars go…home. They go home.

The superhero franchise is quite marketable, and is currently raking in cash, hand over fist might I add, in several countries around the world. Names like DC and Marvel are worth more money than most of us will see in our whole lives. I guess they’re doing something right, huh?

As someone once said, “Stan Lee is taking more money from nerds than any school bully ever could,” and I’d wholeheartedly agree. Not only are heroes gracing the silver screen, but we now have the glorious convenience of internet and television heroes: Daredevil, Green Arrow, and Flash to name a few.

“Is there a point to all of this?” Life? Pencils? This post? Yes to all three my dearest readers. While providing a cinematically thrilling outlet for me to direct my spare time and energy towards, hero shows in particular, have been educating me about the various aspects of television that are so repetitive, we could even develop a drinking game guaranteed to waste the person foolish enough to embark on this challenge within the first 8-10 minutes of each episode.

Either I’m overly confident (or as I’d liked to say, “just that good”) or there is some truth to these points. You be the judge.

Take a Shot if...

       1.       Someone claims to know who is at the door and is wrong

This is my all-time favorite repeating aspect. Oh yes, almost every time you announce the person at the door you’re wrong in a shocking “I-wasn’t-expecting-to-see-you-again/ever” or “Hi-I’m-here-to-put-a-bullet-in-your-skull” kind of way. Bottoms up.

2.       The protagonist’s love interest gets kidnapped or is in grave danger

You love her? Well, let’s see how many times you’ll be there to bust her out of harm’s way.

*Bonus shot if it’s her fault for getting captured/attacked/maimed.

3.       The quirky sidekick makes a weird/awkward remark

*Enter comedic relief during potentially emotionally charged moment.*

4.       The closing shot reveals a plot twist

“Hmmm, how can we boost ratings and/or guarantee that these same nerds will tune in again next week? I know! What about a…”

5.       There is a dinner party/business meeting filled only with an unrealistic amount of attractive people

Let’s face it, most people don’t look like actors/actresses, so this one’s not really a surprise. But, hey, I guess when you watch a superhero movie or show realism can’t be too high on your list of priorities. 

Believe me yet? Have I gained some street cred? Maybe that wasn’t the best choice of words. Well, I do possess some, but that’s a story for another time. Do they bleep out expletives on this thing? Now I’m rambling.

Back to the point. I love superhero lore as much as the next kid spawned by a comic book nerd, who not only raised me on Star Trek but had a Quaker Oatmeal container full of action figures, accessories, and a light-up model of the U.S.S Enterprise. So no, I’m not claiming to be anything less than 50% nerd…and that’s just genetics.

The basic point? Well, now I can’t seem to recall it. But I guess if you’re pleading for some purpose to this post (alliteration!) I must say that I’ve been quite entertained, educated, and enthralled (more alliteration!) by the superhero universe. Yup. That’s about it.

Sorry if I gave an overrated amount of attention to the closing argument of this post. This was merely something interesting I wished to share with my fellow nerds. If you have too much self-respect to associate yourself with this group, then please lift your nose aloft and move along dear chap. 

Ta ta now. 

Come to China

Yes, yes…I know. It’s been too long since I last wrote.

No, I didn’t die in China. MERS is in South Korea…mostly.

Anyway, since it’s been a longer gap since I’ve taken my experiences here and regurgitated them into a friendly, slightly snarky, hopefully hopeful anecdote about my time here, let’s try and make this one a good one, shall we? 

I’ve been in Qingdao, China for almost 8 months. Pretty impressive? Yeah, I’d like to think it is. While I’ve been here I’ve had some great moments, some frustrating moments, and more than one native stare in my general direction (quite pointedly may I add, since staring isn’t really considered rude here). Good and bad alike, I must admit that overall I find this city to be a great fit for me, currently.   

“But Sarrah, what makes Qingdao so wonderful? And, how do you know that you’re supposed to be in China? Don’t they eat dogs there?” Well, since you mentioned it, hypothetical people who asked me those questions quite conveniently, let me help you out a bit.

5 Reasons to Come to China

1.       You can spit/pee/drink anywhere

Seriously, the culture isn’t the same as American culture. You want to drink beer in a taxi? Ok. You want to pee on the sidewalk? That’s cool. Gotta hock some snot on the bus? Be my guest. Anywhere and almost everywhere, you can drink, pee, and be merry.

2.       Cheap living

Many things are available cheaper in China, like transportation and housing. A tax ride can be as cheap as $1.50, and the bus might only cost you about 20 cents. Can you live extravagantly and waste your money? Sure, but you can find that anywhere in the world. If you want to save your pennies, China is a practical place to do it.

3.       Cultural experience

Hey, you’re in another country, that’s pretty exciting! Want to eat weird/exotic foods like squid eggs, sushi, or dog? Come on over! Love to hear Chinese every day, all day? Hop on the next flight! Do you like KTV (karaoke), Asian cuisine, and occasionally getting stared at? I don’t know why you’re not here yet?

4.       Mountains and Ocean

Are you a mountain lover? Do you enjoy the beach? Well, Qingdao has them both. Isn’t that fantastic? You can climb or swim or tan (which, ironically no one in China does cause then you’d get ugly). Look out your window in the morning; it can be breathtaking.

5.       Starbucks/Cafes

Are you a coffee drinker? Do you prefer tea? Well, China (and basically all of Asia) loves their cafes…especially Starbucks. It’s pretty wonderful. In fact, downtown Qingdao has an entire area dedicated to caffeine called Coffee Street. I’ve spent many a weekend bundled up in one of these coffee meccas doing work, writing, and watching movies and gameplays. It’s magical.

And if you’re not already packing your bags to come visit/live/habitat in this general Asian vicinity, maybe this will be the last nudge you need to hop on that plane.

China is your future if…

1.       You look American

One of the most unique things about our country (America…I’m not officially Chinese yet until I can climb a mountain, meditate for 5 years, and wrestle a dragon) is the diversity. I’m not sure if we do or not, but we should really be playing that up more (culturally speaking). Most other countries are home to a handful of ethnic groups; America is a melting pot. “Be creative, be unique, be yourself!” are all mantras advertised on our free and glossy shores daily. And, it’s a pretty unique message in the cultural scheme of things. By this I mean that many countries advertise conformity (like China) opposed to what we of the red, white, and blue are used to. Americans come in a colorful variety of packaging, and even the plainest of us can look exotic to those in China.

2.       You have 2 functioning legs

No offense to any handicapped…handicapable (as my mom likes to say) individuals who want to come to China. But, in China (again, you probably won’t have a car) you’re gonna be hoofing it everywhere (that’s slang for walking for those of you who aren’t “down” with my lingo). So, you’ll need a pair of strong legs to get you from “point home” to “point sushi.” You don’t have to be Lance Armstrong fit, but slight mobility would be nice in Asia.  

3.       You speak English

English teachers, tutors, and language speakers wanted! If you speak English and LOOK like you speak English, then you’ll be welcomed with open arms by many of the Chinese.

4.       You eat food

Do you love Chinese food? Do you hate Chinese food? Well, Qingdao is home to a variety of cuisine options. German, American/Western, Italian, Korean, Chinese, and Japanese: your taste buds can experience all of this culinary wonder and delight in…you guessed it, Qingdao!

5.       You love communism

Want some first-hand experience? Need to earn your “red badge” in Boy Scouts? Well, you’re in luck! This country is run by your people. Come on over. I’ll fire up the barbecue. You like dogs, right?

Ok, so maybe all of these reasons don’t have you dusting off your passport quite yet. That’s ok. I understand if you have to take some time with this decision. I mean, it’s only a short period of your life in an awesome place with awesome people and food…

But please, take your time. Just keep in mind that my time in China, and hopefully the years to come, are not (and won’t ever be) overrated.